I’m broken! 

I went to physio on Tuesday evening, to see what he would make of my sore heels and the ITB pain I have been experiencing. Basically, my ham strings and calves have turned to steel and my lack of core, glute and quad strength just means that my hams are ruling the world, and doing it badly! 

He used the modern day torture device that be has (mobilisation table) and really loosened me off and also acupunctured my Achilles on both sides. I now can’t walk! 

Either way, I have to stop doing anything other than core, quad and glute strengthening and stretching off of everything around there also. I feel I have an expensive few weeks of visits ahead but on the plus side, I might find the focus I have been searching for since coming back into it! 

I just can’t get going! 

It’s driving me mad, I just cannot find my flow with my exercise and weight loss this time. I was pretty good for most of the week and I did more cardio than I have for a long time, yet still I have put 2lbs on. I haven’t been amazingly strict, but I also haven’t had a 2lb gain week either. 

I am finding the whole thing really frustrating. I can’t dedicate enough time to the gym and I can’t dedicate enough time to meal prep, I can’t dedicate enough time to being a mum, I can’t dedicate enough time to studying, I can’t dedicate enough time to keeping a house: so instead I just bumble along achieving very little of fuck all, and it’s just no fun. I want to get cardio fitter but my bloody knee behaves like it’s being crushed by a vice after 2k, I want to get stronger but I don’t have time in my lunch break to do strength and cardio and I want to be better at yoga but my heels just constantly ache the second I suggest downward facing dog. 

I know that people all over instagram cram fitness, healthy eating, looking after a house and socialising around a having a child: but it is genuinely beyond me how they do it if they have a full time job with a one hour commute each way and want to spend any time with the family! 

I hate not having a good routine, I thrive off routine, but having a baby that switches sleep patterns more than the most fickle switch allegiances, means going to bed any later than 9.30 is a no go. Because there is so much pressure to not feed them to sleep, we stopped that, so now a 20 min bedtime is an hour and a half. So it’s quick tea then bed after that and it all starts again at 4.30 (because Leo thinks thats definitely the most ideal time to wake up) good job we listen to the ‘experts’ on shit like that! 

As you can probably tell from this, I’m irritated. I just want to feel good about myself again but don’t seem to be able to get there. My will power goes to shit when I’m tired and the fact that I haven’t gone without a broken night’s sleep in two years is really starting to take its toll on me. Isn’t it now people normally have another baby?!

That’s also another thing, I will get it all back in track and then decide I want another! If I’m not too old and broken that is. 

I hate writing negative posts, but the long and short of reality is that negativity can take a hold, no matter how hard you try. I don’t believe in wallowing, I believe in fixing things. I have some big changes I am in the process of making right now,  so hopefully they will prove to be the catalyst my motivation needs. 

We went, we conquered.. 

.. Sort of! 

My knees were screaming but the rest of it was fine, my body strength wasn’t nearly as pathetic as I expected it to be either! It was great to be out doing something like that together again, it’s been ages! 

My aim now though, is to get 5k fit and conditioned and get some body fat off me once and for all! I have a wedding in October, so I want to be back in shape for that: or at least in a shape I prefer to be! 

I haven’t seen the pics yet, Tom has and said there isn’t a single good one of us unfortunately. I will be the judge of that! 

Unprepared 

With two weeks to go until Tough Mudder, I think it is very safe to say that I am not even close to being ready. I had fully intended to keep up with eating well and training whilst being off work for two weeks. Being ill for the first week and then being completely demotivated for the second, as being away for a long weekend, have not helped in the slightest. In fact, I think all I have managed to achieve is about an 8lb weight gain. 

Thankfully it is the half mudder, but I’m still not prepped for that or even feeling up for the challenge. Being strict for the next two weeks is the best I can do, and attempting to not injure myself of course! I’m sure someone said this was meant to be fun! 

The drudge

I am once again struggling to shift some sort of virus, it started last week with migraines and I am just generally lethargic, bloated and rough!  I am sick death of not being able to drag myself into the world of the well, I just seem to completely incapable of dealing with a lack of sleep.  I seemed to manage when I was breast feeding, but I just feel like my body is failing all around me and that terrifies me.

Having a child drags your mortality out of hiding in the shadows and hits you repeatedly around the face.  The fear of not being there for Leo and being able to watch him grow up and guide him through life strikes fear deep in my guts and I hate it!

I have never felt this consistently unwell and I feel like I have lost faith in good eating and exercise, I feel like it isn’t worth all the effort and hard work on top of feeling like shit and I hate it! I am genuinely a little concerned about my health, I just want to have energy and feel happy and light, free of worry and fatigue and no matter what I try I just seem to be able to get there!

Something has got me good 

In typical ‘you’ve booked time off’ style, something has wiped me out. Severe fatigue, joint pain and the grand finale of a migraine. I never get them, I’m assuming that is what it is and I was totally unprepared. 

Ice packs and shit food were in order and a total disregard for my fat content and progress I think general. That in itself creates a huge internal battle, as I know that shit food is the last thing an ailing body requires, but the last thing an ailing body feels like doing is cooking and thinking about cooking. That’s one of the biggest issues I have with ethical eating, is that you don’t have access to quick and easy food and everything takes a thousand pans and an hour or more to sort.. If not that, it at least takes some planning! 

Oh well, I will deal with the regret when I get on the scales.. Until then, it is what it is! 

Something is working

and I imagine it is the yoga. Whilst I am struggling to manage the progress through the additional discomfort, I am finding a way none the less.  At the gym today, I thought I would finish with a stretch that never fails to progress. I have done this stretch since I started in the gym as it really helped to ease off the knee pain that I experience when I am tight through my pelvis and hips.

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January’s attempt

 

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Today’s attempt.  Considerably better

As the only thing that I have been doing differently is yoga, then the conclusion is that it is yoga that is helping.  Clearly the pain is achieving something, although I do need to work out how to reduce the fatigue I am putting on my tendons as the last thing I need is RSI.  When I was working out this morning, I just avoided pushing down through my heels and I also kept a bend in my knee.  This stopped any feeling of strain and nerve pain that I was experiencing before.

I moved up to the next beginner level and it was incredibly tough, I wont do another session now until Thursday morning.  Tomorrow morning I am going to do some abs work as I haven’t done that for a long time!