I am on the final stretch of my notice period, only two days left to go. Whilst I am really looking forward to the new adventure ahead, I am a creature of habit and the prospect of a routine change fills me with dread. Whilst the journey in is no different as I am just around the corner from where I am now, the logistics of gym time are a pain in my ass.
It is just a bit too far away to get to the gym I currently go to now, it would take me 13 minutes, at least, each way: precious gym time being eaten away there and there are huge roadworks going on whilst they put the new tram lines in, so that will be an even bigger pain in the ass. There are three other options: A different branch of the gym I am at (but the parking situation is shit, the local leisure Centre, but it will cost me £10 extra a month as well as not having the luxury of being able to use the gym at home as well as getting a early session in on a Wednesday morning, or a local meat head gym that is really close but wont have any of the equipment I am currently using for rehab.. I could improvise, but I would look like a total tit!
On top of the 3rd world problems listed above, I am finishing an hour later every night so have the added stress of being later to pick up the little man as well as relying on a less than useful afternoon tea from nursery. Leo will be starting at Forest School a couple of days a week as of August (something else for Mummy to be worried about) and the food there is considerably better, but it is considerably further from work for me to get to pick him up.
The timing is basically shit and I am having to fight all of my control freak, perfectionist tendencies to stop myself from having a meltdown! I keep just telling myself to go with it, I will adapt, Leo will adapt and I will find a way. I think it is made worse by the fact that I just want a routine back. I want to feel like I am progressing with my fitness instead of it being groundhog day and I still have 8lbs that I want to shift as well as having muscle I want to get back and strength I just crave to see again. Currently, I am as weak as a kitten and my will power sucks. Every time I do more than 2 press ups, I suffer the agony of pissed off tendons for the next two days.
I just have to keep telling myself that I will get there and I will find my long forgotten routine and fitness once again, just in time for baby number two and losing it all over again! That bit however, is worth every second of this bit.
I am once again struggling to shift some sort of virus, it started last week with migraines and I am just generally lethargic, bloated and rough! I am sick death of not being able to drag myself into the world of the well, I just seem to completely incapable of dealing with a lack of sleep. I seemed to manage when I was breast feeding, but I just feel like my body is failing all around me and that terrifies me.
Having a child drags your mortality out of hiding in the shadows and hits you repeatedly around the face. The fear of not being there for Leo and being able to watch him grow up and guide him through life strikes fear deep in my guts and I hate it!
I have never felt this consistently unwell and I feel like I have lost faith in good eating and exercise, I feel like it isn’t worth all the effort and hard work on top of feeling like shit and I hate it! I am genuinely a little concerned about my health, I just want to have energy and feel happy and light, free of worry and fatigue and no matter what I try I just seem to be able to get there!
I VERY nearly sacked it off today. I was lying in bed and my 4am wrist alarm buzzed on my cheek because of how I was smashed and for the merest of moments I could not be arsed. But then my 4.05 phone alarm went off and I reminded myself that I would only be pissed off and have 4lbs that I can’t for the life of me shift!
I am in possession of the milk! It tastes absolutely amazing, although I have continued to read about the risk factors of raw milk and I am considering pasturising it myself. There is basically no evidence to show that there is a nutritional difference between Pasteurised and raw milk and there is tonnes of evidence showing the harm that the pathogens that raw could potentially carry. I am definitely not going to be feeding it to Leo. The whole reason I embarked on this quest wasn’t for my health, it was because I decided I couldn’t be a part of the harsh, commercial dairy industry, but no matter how much people won’t like this, Leo is more important to me than any cow, so why would I risk his life if there is no need?
The problem with us all in this day and age is thy we haven’t seen the affects of bad hygiene and regular deaths because of poor quality food. We take it for granted that everything is safe, so feel that none of it is necessary. Basically not the case. I am happy to pasturise the raw milk at home for us because I definitely do not want to be part of the industry if I can help it, but why oh why I can’t find a kind dairy that pasturise their product is beyond me.
I am feeling stronger again, my pull up quest is definitely doing well. I am struggling a little with a pain just above the articulated part of my arm, so haven’t done anything for a week with it, and that has helped overall. I am struggling with my sternum when I do dips, I always struggled with this before and I just have to come up with different tricep exercises. I think it’s tension somewhere else in my upper body, so I have been stretching it out and that feels good.
Flexibility in general is improving which is always a good thing. I’m struggling with motivation at the minute though, this is the time I have to dig deep and keep pushing. I adopt the don’t think about it strategy and then there is no debate! It’s amazing what a weekend of slight overindulgence does to me!
Whilst the change in weight isn’t anything to write home about from when I began, I dingo up before I came down! It’s a start regardlessof 2lb down, roughly 1lb of that being fat which is obviously the best news!
I feel infinitely better too, which is also important. I have managed a couple of 4am starts to fit the cardio in and have loved them. Early morning gym sessions are definitely my preference if I can fit them in. I feel my strength coming back too, so the tone will be returning.. Wooo
I treated myself to some bands to work on my pull ups. I hadn’t thought about the fact that I needed to get up to the band to start off with so had to do some creative climbing! It felt good though, that is the most resistant one and I managed 3 sets of 5, the last 5 being questionable! It just felt good to have a session where I could feel my muscles shaking in a dark corner afterwards, that has been some time and it has been missed!
I got myself out of bed at 5 this morning to get a workout in before starting the day with my favourite boys. I’m pleased with how quickly I have got my motivation back this year, it’s just what I needed.